It doesn’t need to rain.

The sky is clear. There is a handsome man at the next table. He is ignoring his tea and is smiling down at a well read old paperback. I imagine welcoming him home from work, kissing his cheek and listening to his day. He looks up for a second and catches my eye, I look away embarrassed at being caught.

The clouds are dark and the wind is colder and harder. I stop at the corner shop. I need milk. I stare at the soup for a while but can’t decide. The young girl behind the counter always looks bored to tears, I’d hoped it would be the tall lad with the red hair. Sometimes he speaks to me about music or bands that he has seen recently. His eyes are so green and they get shiney when he gets excited. He’s not working tonight. The girl hands me my change and sighs without making eye contact.

There are specks of drizzle sparking in the down light of the street lamps. I close my front door and lean back against it for a moment. I make tea and sit on the sofa as it goes cold. I can’t remember the last person I spoke to or what I said. Last night I fell asleep on the sofa with the TV murmuring in the background, it was the closest thing I had felt to company in weeks. I want to go to bed but it’s not even Ten. I know I will wake in the early hours and not be able to go back to sleep. Wednesday night I woke up with tears on my face, I can’t remember what I was even dreaming about.

I open my eyes. My room looks like it has been hung with grey sheets. The pre dawn light has washed the colour out of everything. The silence is like a weight on my chest. The curtains are never fully closed and I can see rain running down the window. In a few hours it will all start again. Breakfast alone, shopping alone, coffee alone, walking, eating, waking and being alone. I feel like I am being punished and I don’t know why. I must have fallen asleep again because I woke up to sunlight.

The warm sun hits my face as I step outside. Inside I want to scream or cry or lie down and not get up again. It doesn’t need to rain because every day is a corridor of empty rooms. Some days I would just turn around and lock the door behind me and lie under the duvet but today I walk to the coffee shop and hope that someone asks for directions somewhere or to pass the sugar. Anything, just so I can speak to another person. Even a hello. Just please something.


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