On the 23rd of July I woke up at some stupid too early O’ clock. It had been hot all week and it was difficult to sleep. I ended up arguing with Jakob and throwing my morning coffee into the sink. We hardly ever argued so I felt bad all morning, when I rang his office they said he had taken a personal day and was working from home. At about two or just afterwards in the afternoon I suddenly heard my assistant calling my name. “Myka? Sorry you seemed far away. Anderson called and said he has to rearrange the meeting this afternoon. Would Friday be okay?” I nodded my head and as an afterthought I said I was going home. I would be back tomorrow. As I opened the front door I called out his name. As I walked into the kitchen I found him lying on the floor. Everything started to fall apart after that. I remember the ambulance and talking to the doctors. They asked me about his health and his medical history. I kept answering in German and forgot that they couldn’t understand me. When I eventually got home I was so tired I fell asleep on the floor of the living room. I woke up and ate some dry toast and drank some water, then walked into the bedroom. I’m not sure how many days it has been. All I do is sleep.

I drank a bottle of brandy and used it wash down all the pain killers I find. I keep drifting in and out of sleep and then when I do wake up the sun is blindingly bright. Jakob is standing in the doorway and smiles and holds out his hand. As we walk away from our house there is midnight black sand under our feet. I put my arm around  his shoulders. “I thought you went away.” He just smiles and brushes the hair away from my eyes. “No. I was just waiting. It’s just a little walk and then we can rest for a while.”

“Should I go back?” I pause just for a moment. He smiles again and kisses me just like we had done a thousand times before. “I’m sorry Myka. You don’t have anywhere to go back to.  I know how strong you are and you would fight if you could but my love, it’s too late. There isn’t anywhere for you to go back to.”

We carry on walking to a beach surrounded by tall trees. There are people gathered in groups, they all smile and wave and it feels like a small echo, a moment of me has ended.


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