Thurs 22nd Jan 15:25.
I feel sick and have shooting pains through my abdomen.I sometimes forget just how ill I am but today is a pretty bad day. I had to go into the Centre of Town today but had to come home before I had finished doing everything I needed. I keep nodding off and only the pain and the cold wake me.
Why is it that when I don’t want to talk about it, I get inundated with questions and when I need someone to talk to, there is no one around?
I have this overwhelming sense that nothing really matters anymore. I can’t make any plans for the future. I can’t enjoy the present, not when I feel like this. I’m not even really complaining. I knew what would happen, I knew that I have had several close calls. I am no more, or less deserving than anyone else. I’ve started to wonder what it will be like. Will it hurt? Will I notice? Will I be alone or will someone hold my hand?
Carefully we hold it at it’s edges.
It is almost the world but has no substance.
Like morning fog or a rose dusted with ice,
It’s fragile, imperfect beauty is only here for a moment.
Breathe on the mirror to prove your life.
Hold fast to the ribbons and wait for church bells.
Like moonlit wings, white as snow,
they cut the air and only look forward.